In this series, we will look at each of the parts of a Thriving Relationship to illuminate when a person should get divorced. If you haven’t worked to build in the components of a healthy relationship, then you will never know if your marriage could be awesome, supportive, and connected!
After you have Significantly Restored Integrity, you are ready to begin practicing owning your life, 100%! Taking complete ownership is very exciting and massively transformative. It will also empower you to see clearly if you should get divorced or not.
What is an Owner Occupied Life?
100 % Ownership is a profound perspective. Accepting the role of 100% owner of your own life is not something you can begin to fully comprehend until you personally practice it. The idea is that you stand in the perspective called, “I am the source of ALL of my experiences.”
“How do I even start thinking that way?” you might ask. We were hoping you would ask! So let’s take a look.
Baby Step One – Look at the Way You Think
Baby step one: notice the way you currently think, and don’t make it wrong! So, love and accept yourself for thinking that you have always been at the effect of the big, scary world that you were born into as a helpless infant.
We all inherit that perspective at birth! There is nothing wrong with it, except that it stops each of us from ever maintaining a close, intimate, thriving connection to one’s self and then one’s spouse. Notice the areas you blame for your experience (hundreds of times each day.) For example, I blame the dishwasher for not getting the dishes clean. Start to catch yourself assigning blame to yourself and others.
Baby Step Two – Practice, Practice, and Practice Some More
Baby step two: Practice looking at your life from the question, “What if the creative part of me, deep inside, which I haven’t even been aware of, has generated every aspect of my life?”
Notice the things you love, and ask that question.
Notice the things that hurt, and ask that question.
Notice the things that bring anger, rage, and a sense of injustice, and ask that question.
Notice the needs that your spouse doesn’t meet, which you have been waiting for him/her to meet, and ask, “What if I generated an environment where my needs don’t matter? What if the creative part of me has caused this?”
Baby Step Three – Ask a Powerful Question
Baby step three: Ask the question, If I have ALL the say and ALL the power, and I actually am the cause of ALL my experiences, then what has me choosing to create parts of my life that I dread, that I hate, and that have me avoid connecting to myself?
Until you give up the mindset (we all inherit at birth) that says we are at the effect of the big world around us, you are not fully operating as the driver in the car called your life.
‘Taking the wheel’ of your life is a step in the right direction. ‘Taking the wheel’ and assuming the role as driver in your life does not completely free you from victimhood, as that perspective still assumes that many aspects of your life, such as the other cars on the road and even the landscape you find your car in are outside of your jurisdiction.
In fact, beyond just ‘taking the wheel’ of your life, we propose you must take the role and perspective of ‘source of the wheel, the car, and the landscape.’ You can even surrender the wheel to another- such as a higher power or another person- and still take 100% ownership of your whole experience of life.
Where the Rubber Meets the Road
Are you willing to give up the opinion and perspective that you have been a victim of… (fill in the blank)? From there, you can create a life for yourself that you love, where you are connected deeply to yourself, and from which you can bring yourself already whole and complete to a relationship.
For example, Are you willing to give up the opinion and perspective that you have been a victim of your spouse’s bad choices? Are you willing to give up the opinion and perspective that you have been a victim of your parent’s philosophy or weaknesses? Are you willing to give up the opinion and perspective that you have been a victim of ‘acts of God’? (Natural disasters, and other natural phenomena that wreak havoc but are uncontrollable by humankind.)
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above examples, then you have room to grow, lady! If you didn’t, then make a list of your chosen victim claims. The nouns on the list show you where you have room to transform your life.
Before you choose to Get Divorced, make sure you have taken 100% Ownership.
For example, you can demonstrate that your life is “owner-occupied” when:
- You have created strong happiness for yourself with fulfilling activities and personal pursuits
- You no longer blame your husband for any of your unhappiness (See Karyn Seitz’s work and Facebook Page @The Authentic Married Woman)
- After you have fully accepted, forgiven and love yourself first and then your husband. (AA’s 12 steps work, or the Landmark Forum)
- After you have learned to set healthy boundaries with yourself, children and husband.(See book Boundaries, by John Townsend and Henry Cloud.)
- After you have given up the idea that you are a victim to your past choices, or your husband’s past choices, or your present circumstances, or ANYTHING ELSE. (See Karyn Seitz’s Victim Program.)
Other Resources & Tools:
The Four Agreements, by Don Miguel Ruiz
Taking 100% Ownership is based on a made-up, powerful perspective that can clear up your view of life. You will begin – for the first time ever- to see what is really going on and happening. From this perspective, you can make new choices, find new actions, and get clear if the best choice for you is to divorce.
Taking the time to practice 100% Ownership is critical to building a life you love being in. It will also help you make the best choice for you, your spouse, and your family.
If you are looking for more understanding or coaching around divorce, your relationship or marriage, you can Contact Us Here to learn more about our programs and how we can help you through this process.
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